Dial 1 for the Sales Prevention Team

Apparently Dell have experienced an "unprecedented slump in sales". 

After attempting to purchase from them this week, I'm not terribly surprised. 

One would think that in this digital age, purchasing a PC would be as simple as buying sausages. In fact, you'd think that buying sausages would be the more difficult transaction. But, let me tell you, a recent purchase from Scottish online butcher Donald Russell fared significantly better than my attempts to purchase a computer from Dell. 

This week it took me around 56 hours, one internet transaction, 5 email exchanges and 6 phone calls to buy 2 PCs. It should have taken me about a minute. 

So what went wrong?

Well, with products carefully selected, my online order and payment details were submitted. Within seconds (and, I have to admit, it was so fast it was impressive) I had a call from my bank to verify two (not one) transactions from Dell. One for around £1000, the other for around 60p..... They (quite rightly) thought this was suspicious. 

I verified the transactions which added up to the full amount of the order, but my bank said I would need to contact Dell to request them to process payment. And then the fun began. 

Call 1: Describe situation, reassured that everything was fine, this happens every day (really?) and that payment would be processed within next 24 hours.

Wait........ 24 hours.........

Nothing. 

Call 2: Describe situation. Again. Get cut off. 

Call 3: Call back. Describe situation. Again. Get told that every single person who can help me in this multi-national company that employs tens of thousands of people are out to lunch. Yes, seriously. Could I call back later? It was 1pm. Requested, politely but firmly, that they call me back at 2pm once they'd finished eating. I was, after all, only trying to give them my money. 

Wait ......... No call .........

Call 4: Decided to take a different approach and asked to be put through to sales to purchase a computer. Success! Secured new order, payment put through, original internet order cancelled. All done. 

Or so I thought. 

Call 5: About 1 hour later......Panic call from Dell. I've submitted 2 identical orders!! What should they do?

Call 6: 10 minutes after the first call .....Second panic call from Dell. They are not sure which order to process....could I please call them back. 

Email from Dell: Stick an X in the box to tell us which order to process. 

I could tell you where I was tempted to stick my X, but it would be rude. So I won't. 

A seemingly simple purchase had turned into a saga of incompetency, incredulity (how can the entire multi-national company all be off at lunch at the same time??) and exasperation. 

Donald Russell, the butcher, managed to take my online order seamlessly in under one minute. It was delivered to me within 48 hours. Magic. Simple. 

So ask yourself, are you running a sales prevention business or are you trying to deliver. Because Dell certainly aren't. And that might easily explain their "unprecedented slump in sales". 

Get Out (And Don't Come Back)

City centres are in crisis. They are not what they used to be.

Or, actually, they are what they used to be.

It's those pesky consumers who've changed.

I recently heard news that an out of town retail park (very close to my home) will be getting a new Marks & Spencer Food Hall and Boots, both of which will be open in just a few months time.

As someone who does their weekly shop at M&S I was, naturally, delighted. No need for me to go into town every week now. This will ultimately save me time. And further change my shopping habits. Forever.

Good news is worth spreading, so I've told others. It has been met with delight and, in some cases, ecstatic glee.

"Thank God for that. I won't ever need to go into town!" they've exclaimed.

Surprised by the veracity of their response to this, seemingly everyday, news (I mean, we're being told that retail is dying, it's the end of retail as we know it, and it is, after all, just another shop) I've dug a little deeper.

Turns out there are two factors that feature in their gleeful reasoning of why this "out of town" retail model works best for them:

1. Convenience
2. Parking

How simple. How interesting.

Have our city centres become inconvenient? Yes, I suppose you could say that. It takes ages to get into town and, once you get there, traffic lights, traffic delays, one way systems and pedestrianized areas hamper progress at every stage.

And how's parking? Well, aside from an additional expense, it's not easy. Even more than that, it can be downright stressful. Queues to get into car parks, queues to get out, people nicking spaces right out from under you, paying up front, tickets running out when you're in the middle of having a coffee, having to carry coins to pay (to be fair, not in every city, but in Perth, where I live, you'll find it challenging to park if you don't carry a trusty bundle of 10 pence pieces with you everywhere you go). It all adds up to one big mega hassle.

And who needs hassle, right?

So bin Mary Portas' "save the high street" report, and forget twiddling around the edges, if local councils really want to save the high street, they need to start looking at making it easier to get in and out of the city centre, and where to (conveniently) put all the vehicles when they are there. Heck, now here's a radical thought, they could even make parking free......

Because, you see, the problem is not that consumers aren't spending money (they are), it's just they are spending them in places they can get to easily and get parked for free.

The city centre is not it.

You can get it on the Internet

Save our High Street! High Street in Crisis! Shop Local!

These are all headlines and calls to actions we've seen in recent years.

As the recession has bitten, more and more High Street retailers have gone to the wall. Some quietly shutting their doors, others exits marked by the national media and a mourning customer base, many of whom blame them for hefty prices and failing to innovate. 

So, being the good little consumer I am, I have started to really heed these calls to action. 

I don't want all those fabby little independent shops to disappear. 

I've started to shop locally more often. 

And the results have, I admit, been slightly patchy and, in some cases, downright disappointing. 

Just a couple of weeks ago I ran out of my regular hair styling product for a well known professional brand. You can't buy in Tesco, or Boots, this brand is only stocked in professional salons. But with over 120 hair salons to choose from in Perth, I should be spoilt for choice, right?

Not so. After visiting several, it turns out only one salon stocks this brand. 

After going (out of my way) to go to this salon, their display of 2-3 products in this retail line did not fill me with hope. 

After enquiring, I was (helpfully) told I could "get it on the internet". 

So I did. And it was delivered to me within 48 hours. 

So come on High Street, here's my call to action for you: Get Real and Wise Up. 

Consumers KNOW they can get it on the internet. 

If they walk into your store, it's because they have made the effort to buy local. And please don't think it's not an effort to support you. From the comfort of my armchair I can order my product and, if I like, stay there for the 48 hours until it's delivered. To shop with you I have to get up off my armchair, get into my car, drive into town, park, pay for the parking, walk to your store and, regrettably, cover up my irritation when (having made all that extra effort) your response is that I can get it on the internet. How foolish am I?

But the truth is I will always be able to get the products I want on the internet. But you, on the other hand, will not be able to find your jobs on the internet if you continue to keep up that approach. 

When is a Service not worth £1.80?

£1.80

It's the price of a coffee. A Sunday newspaper. If you're lucky, a cake. 

A lot of value can go into £1.80. A lot of pleasure can be derived from £1.80.

In many respects it's a trivial amount. It's not going to pay your mortgage. It's not going to fuel your car. 

But it might brighten your day, widen your knowledge and understanding of international affairs, or perk you up after work. 

So when would a service not be worth £1.80?

How about when you book tickets to the local cinema online, only to have to queue for 15 minutes to pick them up when you arrive, making you late for the film, disgruntled and frustrated that you planned ahead?

How about when you point out the folly of this, clearly ridiculous, process to the staff and are met with the response that booking online enabled me to get the seats I wanted? 

Yes. I truly love sitting right at the back, where the lights never go out so it spoils the full enjoyment of the film. They were the only two seats left in the luxury section. There were, however, plenty of cheap seats available on the night. So his counter argument about securing a seat was, quite frankly, moot. 

So too was his argument about buying online minimises the queue for the staff. 

Ummmmm. Having just queued for 15 minutes, I beg to differ. 

So the next time you create a service that commands an additional fee, give some thought as to whether you are also adding in additional value. 

Expectations are attached to everything you sell. 

Even if it is just for £1.80. 

Next time, I'll just stand in the queue. I'll be no worse off. 

Crime and Punishment

I was always told that one of the advantages of studying an undergraduate arts degree at a Scottish university was the sheer breadth of education you can achieve. So I'm glad to say that, during my undergraduate years, I took some intellectual detours from the Shakespeare and Chaucer courses that normally comprise a degree in English Literature to expand my horizons and delve into the depths of several off topic subjects including (unsuccessfully) studying Spanish, (very successfully) completing two years of an accounts degree and (more interestingly) a brief spell studying criminal law. 

So, while not quite rivaling Perry Mason in my depth of knowledge, I do have a fairly good grasp of what constitutes criminal behaviour. 

Which brings me to the recent case of Lord McAlpine versus the Member Population of Twitter (or at least some of them). 

Debates have been raging all week, online, on air and offline. Some people seem to think this is a matter for the freedom of speech zealots. Lord McAlpine has been quite clear: he's been falsely accused of criminal activity, his reputation and character sullied, and he intends to pursue all the individuals who have participated in this gang defamation of his, otherwise exemplary, good character. 

What many Twitter users seem to be struggling to grasp is that they are (wittingly or unwittingly) guilty of committing a crime. 

Twitter, as a medium, is a broadcasting platform. You don't choose your followers, they choose you. The only control you have, as the owner of a Twitter account, is whether or not to broadcast and you have ultimate editorial responsibility for the content of that which you do choose to broadcast. 

This means that, in law, you have exactly the same responsibilities as the (recently much maligned) BBC when it comes to broadcasting and spreading rumour, conjecture and speculation. 

The fact that, on this sorry occasion, the BBC was actually the source and catalyst for the rumour, conjecture and speculation just goes to show how much trust the British public have in their national broadcaster. That they have already settled matters with Lord McAlpine, swiftly and without resistance, says much for their sense of responsibility and corporate citizenship and is to be commended. 

As for the thousands of other "perpetrators" who are (hopefully) now looking at their preferred broadcasting platform with a new sense of awe and responsibility, they can only hope that Lord McAlpine will be merciful in his pursuit of justice. 

But the lesson must be learned: freedom of speech comes with responsibilities and if you act irresponsibly, whether it's in print, online or in person, you must and will pay the price. That price may even be with your own freedom, if it's deemed to be a serious enough crime. 

This is not cyber-bullying. We're not in the playground now. This is serious stuff. And it's long overdue in being brought to the surface for discussion. It's regrettable that its victim is a frail 70 year old man, who has had to bear the brunt of such terrible accusations in order for it to be brought into the national consciousness. Imagine if it was your Grandfather. How would you feel then?

For all the law abiding citizens of Twitter who are wondering whether their preferred social media platform is now a fast track passport to an already crowded prison system, as in life, a wee bit of common sense goes a long way:  if you would not be prepared to put the content of your tweet in full page advert in a national newspaper, step away from the keyboard and go and make yourself a cup of tea instead. 

Remembering

Human beings are used to being humbled.

Corporations not so much so.

And so it was, just a few minutes before the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month, an installation team arrived at my door from the doomed British retailer Comet to install my new tumble dryer.

A tumble dryer which I ordered online literally 4 hours before I heard on Twitter that the retailer was due to go into administration.

A tumble dryer which I thought I might never get.

A tumble dryer which I thought I might never get installed, even on the off chance I did eventually get it delivered.

A tumble dryer which, in the scheme of things, is of little consequence when 6500 people are facing certain redundancy just 5 weeks before Christmas.

These two men, who fully expect to be out of a job forever at some unknown point next week, stood in my kitchen at 11am and faithfully observed a 2 minute silence in remembrance of the fallen.

I hope, at their eleventh hour, that someone will also remember them.

Get In, Get Rich, Get Out

Groupon's Share Price Performance Over Last 9 Months

The entrepreneurial mantras are crisp and clear.

Cash is King.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Sometimes the name of the game in business is to get in, get rich and get out.

Some entrepreneurs need to realise that they are not always building a long term, sustainable business. That their brainchild is simply a product of its times. And it has a short shelf life. A bit like cheese.

But knowing when to get out is what separates the successful serial entrepreneurs from their counterpart failures.

That's why I will always have the greatest respect for Julie Meyer who sold the two year old First Tuesday global technology investment network for a cool $33million. It wasn't worth that just 12 months later but, as an entrepreneur, she did her job and made the best deal. No doubt.

That's why I worry for Groupon's founder Andrew Mason. He may have missed his moment. Google offered him $6billion for the global network of daily deal sites a couple of years ago. A good deal by any standards.

Perhaps Andrew believed his deal had been discounted? Either way, it was rejected and now his company is worth less than a third of that price.

How ironic, then, is it that Andrew delivered a lecture at Stanford University in 2010 where he gave students 6 tips on how to get super rich.

Among his top tips are:

"You’re building a tool, not a piece of art. Don’t get blinded by vision."

and  "Quit now. Sometimes you have to let an idea go."
Maybe time he listened to his own advice?

Before it's too late.